Falling Back into Bad Habits

Each year we live in this cycle .. seasons come and go .. out with the old and in with the new .. and for me at least, I start out with good intentions but find myself falling back into bad habits.  Just a few short months ago I was on my knees, thousands of miles outside my comfort zone, in a dark and frighteningly chilly orphanage for children with special needs.  I was broken, angry, confused.  They were beautiful, wonderful, loving.  Their faces staring through me, or at least I thought.  After a few days I realized that they weren't staring through me but at me .. begging me to be God's hands and feet .. to do something other than weep .. to help change their situation and the future of other children in their circumstance.  I left with more determination than ever .. on a mission .. yet here I am months later having done very little.  I've thought lots and prayed lots and had lots of conversations with God telling Him "You can't mean for me to do that ... You can't mean for it to be me ... I can't Lord" and so on and so forth.  I've given myself reprive on splurging on the "little things"; being reminded lately that those gourmet coffees not only add up but each one can do so much in God's kingdom, in my son's birthcountry, and a million other places.  How can I not break these bad habits?  How can I not care?  "Well I course you care Mara!" is what I keep telling myself.  But at what cost do I care?  Do I allow my heart to break for the things that break God's heart?  Dare I go there or is it just too scary?  Well I am going there .. it is what God asks of me and though I know I'll fall short along the way .. He will pick me back up, tell me to dust myself off and keep going.  I long for the day I can return to Guatemala, or wherever He sends me, and I can bring Him to others and they can help bring me closer to Him.  Things happened there for me; things I can never describe in words.  Seeing my son's village, realizing the life he may have had to bear, the life that for some reason God spared him from, to be my child, lil' ole me .. why him, why us?  Because He loves my husband and I and because He loves Bennett and planned for him to be our child.  I can never forget that .. I can never let myself fall back into bad habits of being "comfortable" and not feeling and seeing what's around me.  Whether it be in the remote jungle villages in Guatemala or across the street.  So as this new season rolls in I pray for a renewing of my heart and mind .. to carry His cross.  To realize the petty things that bother me or happen to me are just that .. petty, pointless, a waste of emotional energy in comparison to what others are facing.  A new season is upon us .. I will be thankful for every moment, every opportunity, every calling.

I took over 400 pics in 9 days.  These are just a few beautiful faces to drive me and remind me of God's love and calling.